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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22903843">listen to my heart (it beats only for you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/swisstae/pseuds/swisstae'>swisstae</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Cap-IM Bingo 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Tony Stark, Cap-IM bingo fill, Community: cap_ironman, Hurt Steve Rogers, I was expecting this to end very differently, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Military Homophobia, POV Steve Rogers, Sexual Tension, Sorry Not Sorry, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Steve Rogers is Scared, Tony Stark Has A Heart, my brain does not work, why is this not a tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:21:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22903843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/swisstae/pseuds/swisstae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He loves Tony Stark. Somehow, he’s not really surprised at the revelation. Some part of him had probably always known that he would, one day, fall for the inventor with the too-bright eyes and sharper mind.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Cap-IM Bingo 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646299</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>137</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Captain America/Iron Man Bingo</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>listen to my heart (it beats only for you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Cap-IM bingo fill for square Stop, Look and Listen (N1)</p><p>thank you to BladeoftheNebula, Katie_Kat, fiftyshadeofstony, Mairi, and Publisher021 from the POTS server for the hugely helpful beta!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wants this. He wants this so badly, he’s pretty sure that Tony can feel the desperation emanating from every pore in his body. He shivers, a full-body shudder, as every nerve ending feels a thousand times more exposed with the thought of being so close to Tony. Close enough to taste his breath, to count his long dark lashes, close enough to see the lust pooling in his rapidly darkening eyes. </p><p>Tony’s not much better himself; his hair mussed and wild as he runs his hand through it again, his lips pink and kiss-bitten, the threadbare shirt falling off his shoulder. <i>Steve’s</i> shirt. Movie nights always ended in Tony stealing yet another one of Steve’s shirts, but honestly? Seeing Tony in his things only served to make the heat inside of him flare up. Almost unconsciously, Steve raises a hand, the movement as slow as molasses, almost as though the moment has been slowed down to make it last forever. He touches the curve of Tony’s face, smooths a thumb over his cheekbones, catching a stray eyelash. </p><p>Tony’s eyes are huge and liquid and oh-so-inviting, as he places a strong hand around the nape of Steve’s neck and pulls him in just as gently, to chastely press his lips against Steve’s. It’s warm and soft for a few seconds, until Tony traces the seam of his lips with his tongue, and Steve opens his mouth with a stuttered moan and- and. Tony’s tongue is hot and slick in his mouth, sliding against his own, his teeth nibbling on Steve’s lower lip playfully as he lets go of him, only to draw him in by the waist, marking a trail of fiery kisses from his jaw down his throat. </p><p>Steve revels in the attention. It’s been so long since he’d gotten to do this, to just <i>let</i> go, in a way that could never have been possible- </p><p><i>hands fisting in his hair, his lips bruised and swollen, tongue and teeth clashing in tandem</i> </p><p>-not then, not when what he wanted was forbidden, not when what he loved could get him jailed- </p><p><i>lips stretched around a cock, stuttered moans in the dank darkness of the alleys in Brooklyn, thick ropes of come in his hair</i> </p><p>-and being jailed would mean far more money than they could spare to bail him out for a capital offence, and his mom was already sick, they didn’t need the added expense of Steve’s unnatural habits and activities and the Army didn’t want homosexuals, another offence tallied to his name along with the list of failures that constituted of him as a person- </p><p><i>the feeling of two cocks in his hands, the precome pooling at the tips making the slide easier, sweet kisses on the side of his ear</i> </p><p>-and he knew his Ma was terrified of him going to jail because she knew he wouldn’t last a day in a cold damp cell and by the time she had the money, he’d be dead-dead-dead- </p><p><i>whispers of love, and someday, and promises made to never be fulfilled</i> </p><p>-he’d heard horror stories of the ones who did get caught, <i>it wasn’t worth it, </i>they said, <i>don’t do this, don’t ruin your life boy, you’ve barely got any to live-</i> </p><p>He pulls away harshly, holding Tony by the shoulders and pushing him back at arm's length. He swallows and says miserably, “I can’t, Tony. I’m sorry, but I just- I can’t.” He instinctively knows it’s the worst thing he could have ever said when Tony’s sweet expression falls, his eyes losing the easy open glow that had been in them a scant few seconds ago. Steve tries to apologize, to take the words back, to tell him that <i>it’s not your fault, it’s mine, it’s always been mine, I’m so sorry for doing this to you</i>- when Tony nods, a jaunty little thing that’s completely at odds with his closed off expression, and turns around to walk right out of the bedroom door.</p><p>Steve stands, stock-still, until something in him says, <i>go after him, you ass!</i> and then he’s moving. </p><p>“Tony! Tony, you have to listen to me, it’s not you, okay? It’s not you, it’s me!” Steve bites out, chest heaving desperately as he scrambles after Tony, knocking over his entire stand in the process. He runs into the door frame, his body reeling with the impact as he flounders ungracefully, his limbs out of his control. All of his usual grace seems to have abandoned him, and <i>God,</i> if he doesn’t feel like he’s sixteen again; short and skinny and asthmatic, running after a boy who loved him, who he couldn’t love back.  </p><p>As though that simple act seems to decide that running was not the better option, Tony whirls around, his face eerily blank, and eyes flat and distant as he twists the corner of his lips in a grotesque, haunted, version of a smile. </p><p>“S’alright, Steve. Shouldn’t’ve assumed that just because you came out, you’d be into me.” Tony lets go of the smile he was desperately trying to hold on to, and lets out a sigh. At that moment, Steve sees so much more of Tony Stark, the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist than he’s ever seen before, than he’s ever been <i>allowed</i> to see before. All of his masks are down, every last one of them - and all Steve sees is an exhausted man, someone who has fought long and hard with a world that didn’t allow him to change, so he set about changing it. His eyes are weary, the gleaming vitality dimmed to dull pinpricks, as he musters up yet another smile, this one slightly more genuine, even though there was nothing even mildly humorous in this situation. ”Even if you did kiss me back. And that’s okay, because, you’re you, and I’m me, and we could never actually be a thing. And that’s okay.” </p><p>The worst part of it all was that Tony actually seemed to believe that it was okay. The idea of anyone, especially Tony Stark, thinking what Steve was doing was right, was <i>okay,</i> especially in this century, was actually laughable. </p><p>“God, Tony, just listen to me - “ </p><p>“Steve, Cap - Rogers, it’s fine,” and doesn’t <i>that</i> sting, to know that he’s lost the easy friendship between them, that he’s pushed up a barrier between them again that will take God knows how many months to get past. </p><p>Tony starts to walk away again. Every step that takes him farther away from Steve feels like a lead burden around his neck. Steve doesn’t know what to say, or what to do. He’s just as hopeless as he was when Jack Willis walked away from him, barely a decade ago, yet ninety years simultaneously. Even then, it had never felt so desperate. He clenches and unclenches his fists, trying to open his mouth and <i>speak,</i> to <i>say</i> something that would make Tony stay with him, stay here. </p><p>He <i>wants</i> Tony. He- he <i>loves</i> him. Somehow, he’s not really surprised at the revelation. Some part of him had probably always known that he would, one day, fall for the inventor with the too-bright eyes and sharper mind. The man who was currently walking away from him.</p><p>The voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Bucky says, <i>Stop him. Stop him before you let go of the one good thing in your life, Stevie, because once he steps out of that door, you’re never going to get to see him again. Not like this, not the man you love.</i> </p><p>Steve squeezes his eyes tightly shut and says, “<i>Stop.</i> Tony, please stop,” Tony clearly freezes in place, his footsteps coming to a standstill. “Just, just let me explain? Please. I don’t want to lose you.” He opens his eyes, to see Tony standing in the same place, his back facing Steve. </p><p>Okay. Steve huffs out a breath. He can work with that. “When I said I can’t do this,” and he pauses, taking in the shudder that goes through Tony. Shit, he’d made a right mess of this. “I didn’t mean <i>us.</i> I know that you know what I’m talking about. We fit together, Tony. We make sense. Even as just acquaintances, we’d fought together without even needing to open our mouths.” He can see Tony relaxing, his shoulders slumping. “And, and it’s only grown stronger since then. We understand each other on a level that doesn’t even require words, Tony. I just- I’m just not ready, I guess? And it’s on me. You’re not the one who should burden the blame.” Steve finishes off lamely, his shoulders shrugging helplessly, the words sounding hollow in his mouth. </p><p>Tony turns around, eyes blazing, finally <i>looking</i> at Steve, but not in the way he wanted. He looks livid, his fists clenching as he speaks into the charged air between them, “Oh, of course, Captain Perfect absolving me of his grave sins is something I should be grateful for. <i>I’m so sorry, Tony, can we still be best friends even though I don’t want to fuck you because we fit together like fucking puzzle pieces?</i> I’m thirty five, Steve, not a child. I can handle rejection.” His voice vibrates bitterly. “Because if Captain America has the guts to come out as gay to his teammates, but he can’t kiss me, it means you don’t like me, okay?” </p><p>And just as suddenly, the anger drains out of him in a whoosh, leaving behind the tired man behind the masks. “You don’t have to love me back. I’m not asking you to. Just give me time to just, you know, sort it out in my own head, and we’ll be back to being best friends, okay?” </p><p>“Tony, you know that's not what I meant.” </p><p>“Then <i>why</i> would you push me away, Steve? Is Captain America, who crashed into the Atlantic to save the world, scared? Is that it, Steve, huh? Are you scared?” Tony taunts him, his face twisted with grief and anger. </p><p>Steve exhales. Now or never. He’s not going to get another chance to fix it. “I’m fucking terrified.” </p><p>Tony stops short at that, his irritable expression dropping as he finally <i>listens</i> to Steve. “The thing is, I’ve always been terrified. Even when I was younger, and not, you know, <i>this,</i>” he huffs out a sound, gesturing at his serum-perfected body. “I was always this close to pissing my pants when the older guys ganged up on me. They’d be stronger and faster, but I was always far more afraid. Fear is a great motivator.” His smile is brittle. “And then it became a way of life. S’long as they were picking on me, they wouldn’t pick on anyone else. Ma was always hysterical when I came home looking like I’d been through a blender.” </p><p>Tony is staring at him now, eyes wide as saucers. Steve doesn’t let that stop him. Tony deserves the truth. “But my other, uh, <i>habits,</i> were more dangerous than just picking fights. I knew I probably wouldn’t survive, if I got caught. The cold in the cell would have killed me, before they could get me hanged. I just never learnt that it was okay, you know? Even now, when it’s accepted, and I’ve told you and the rest of the team- doing it makes it real, you know? Still hasn’t hit me that I can want this and not be punished for it.” Steve hugs himself, suddenly feeling a lot lonelier than before. “I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to stay, but- mmpff!” </p><p>Tony tackles him into a bear-hug, Steve’s arms instinctively untangling to hold Tony by the waist, wrapping his limbs around him as though he couldn’t bear to let go. “You <i>idiot,</i>” Tony says, the words muffled into Steve’s shoulder, “You couldn’t have said this before I went berserk on you? You can take all the time you need, baby, I’ll wait for as long as you want.” Tony pulls back, only enough to see Steve’s face clearly. He says seriously, “I love you, Steven Rogers.” </p><p>Steve’s body fills with a warmth he hasn’t felt since before the ice. Tears track their way down his face, and maybe, just maybe, his voice cracks as he says, “Thank you.” Tony hugs him harder in response, pulling him impossibly closer. He can feel every line of Tony’s lean body, and while that does stir the flame of desire pooling deep in his gut, it’s not much more than a simmering warmth that leaves him feeling (dare he say it?) loved. </p><p>They stand there for a long time, the stillness of the moment only punctuated by the sniffles Steve lets out at random intervals. He’s not over it, of course he’s not. He knows that it’s going to take a much longer time to get rid of the voices in his head that scream at him to <i>stop, boy, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life-</i> but Tony’s arms around him muffle their sounds, enveloping him in the safe embrace of his arms. </p><p>He sags suddenly, feeling the weight of his confession, a secret he’d kept to himself since the beginning of time- Captain America, scared? His lips twist up wryly. Even in this safe, secure space, he’s irrationally terrified of someone pointing him out, whispering and glancing at him appraisingly. He’s just a stupid kid from Brooklyn who didn’t run away from what scared him. Some would say that it made him stronger, braver; but he knew the truth. He didn’t have anyone, anything to live for. May as well make the most of what he could give.</p><p>But, but now? He has a team again, he has friends. He has <i>Tony.</i> </p><p>He smiles in the dim light, nestling his nose in the soft tuft of Tony’s hair. Tony lets out a sigh and loops his arms over Steve’s neck, letting Steve rest on him, carrying his burdens even if for a short minute. </p><p>Tony loves Steve: and Steve knows that even if he’s not ready to say it back to him, Tony understands what he can’t say. It’s not enough to drown out the echoes of the past, but it’s a start.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a huge thank-you to Publisher021, Aksafroa, fiftyshadesofstony, Katie_Kat, BladeoftheNebula and PinkGold for beta-ing this tiny baby thing that needed your love.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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